Making Excuses

Excuses can be insidious. The powers of our intellect enable us to craft sophisticated reasoning seductive that can appear very legitimate. No matter our position, in our affairs with others and with ourselves, the ability to deal with excuses effectively is a vital skill to have. We need to be able to differentiate between legitimate and illegitimate excuses and respond to each situation appropriately.

Over the past month, I have paid particular attention to the nature of excuse making through my own life. Through journaling, I have discovered some ingeniously sneaky ways that I make excuses that I had not realized before. It has, in fact, become amusing to catch myself in the middle of looking around for reason not to perform a particular task. It is interesting to note the extremely subtle ways that we make excuses while they remain invisible to us.

The Structure of Excuses

The basic form of excuses are very simple in nature: finding or inventing reason why something can't be done, is inappropriate, not useful, not relevant etc,

• "I'm too tired"
• "I don't have enough time"
• "I'm scared"
• "I don't know how"
• "My parents would never let me"
• "I'm not that kind of person"

In general, these "reasons" occur in reference to some activity or experience. When we imagine the activity, associated thoughts, feelings and emotions come up for us, usually negative. We don't see the value in it; we don't want to be bother with it; we dislike. In some manner or form, we feel put off by the proposed experience.

Contrast this with times that we take action. We find a way to construct a positive association to the activity. We find it exciting, challenging or valuable. In this case, any reasons you might have to not following through simply become irrelevant.

At the individual level, excuse making relates to our relationship with ourselves and our goals, desires and outcomes. We may have the desire to have financial abundance but we construct rationalizations: it's too hard, I don't know what to do etc.

At the interpersonal level, excuses involve expectations, agreements and commitments. Excuse making often takes the form of persuasion in this context. We want someone else to allow us to be excused from some activity for this reason or that reason.

The Rewards for Constructing Excuses

People do not like think of themselves as someone who is making excuses. We need to be able to convince ourselves that our inaction is indeed legitimate.

When someone challenges us that we are ‘'just making excuses," the tendencies is to become defensive or to justify: "I couldn't do it because X reason."

Notice how calming the word "because" feels. It comes from our built-in need to make sense of the world. You can see this tendency in little children with their continuous use of the question "why?"

Our need for structure, an explanation for the world, a way to create meaning is a fundamental drive for our behaviour. It is the basis from which we create the sciences. We need a way to make sense of the world and excuses seem to be a way to make sense of some of our behaviour to ourselves. At the same time, these excuses can trap us, allowing us to justify inaction in a way that limits us.

How Excuses Get Dangerous

Take a moment and think about excuse making both in yourself and others.

How do you feel about it?

Do you judge it?

Do you fear it?

The common feeling underlying responses to these questions is feeling bad for not fully engaging in life and rationalizing not giving it your all.

We don't like to face the fact that we let ourselves down, don't give it 100%, settle for less than our potential etc.

However, this attitude that we "should not" being making excuses and rationalizing behaviour actually limits us. When we feel bad that we make excuses, we stop looking for areas where we are making them. We actually reduce our awareness to avoid negative emotion.

When we judge our excuse making, we set up habits that make us unconscious of our behaviour. This forms the basis of the pattern of denial. We don't want to be known as someone who "makes excuses" so we become unconscious of such behaviour.

So the attitude of judging excuse making actually perpetuates the very pattern that we are judging!

The Solution

On the one hand, if we judge our excuse making, we eventually become unconscious of our behaviour patterns. On the other hand, in many situations, our choice to make excuses is severely limiting. How do we find a solution that we can reconcile with these facts?

1. Recognize and appreciate your excuse making

We must come to realize that all people make excuses. We all have weaknesses and we do not necessarily have to judge ourselves for them.

Instead, we can reframe excuse making as a skill. In certain situations, it can be quite useful. When you learn to think of excuse making as a skill we developed, we can start appreciating it instead of condemning it. We are also then free to drop the behaviour when it doesn't serve us.

2. Become curious

Start noticing the excuse making in your life. Become acutely aware of your tendencies. Look for both legitimate and illegitimate excuses that you make. Do so with full appreciation of your skills to make excuses. With enhanced awareness comes increasing freedom to make different choices.

3. Hold yourself to a higher standard

As you become aware of the excuses you make, run them through a reality check. Are they legitimate? Start looking for patterns as they will point out to you the next area for growth. Once again, refrain from judging yourself for these excuses and instead, use them as an opportunity to learn.

When I did this, I noticed a pattern of rebelling against being controlled whenever I would make an excuse that was not legitimate. If I felt like I was being pressured or manipulated in any way, I would quickly try to rationalize my way out of it. Now, if I notice myself falling back into this pattern, I invariably find myself laughing. From there, I can make a conscious choice about how to act.